Sometimes I think that I really wish I could have a more transcendent understanding of the outworking of every event in my life...obviously this is impossible because I am not God and therefore I am unable to get outside of my temporal and subjective perspective on my life. Today specifically I was thinking about the future, and I how I really have no idea what the Lord has in store for me. This is not a bad thing at all...I mean, nobody knows what the future of this life will be for them so I am not alone in my lack of understanding in this area. However, knowing that this is the case for everybody doesn't necessarily make the desire to know what my future looks like simply disappear. It's still a desire I have to some degree to know where I will be in five, ten, twenty years, what I'll be doing with my life...all these different things in the future which I may or may not experience in my lifetime...I find that I sometimes wish I could know them. But I also know a few other things...

Scripture says, "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" And in Matthew 6...Jesus tells us not to worry about what tomorrow holds for today has enough concerns of its own...and if I'm going to be honest, usually when I want to know what is in my future it is because I am concerned with what tomorrow holds (whether "concern" is synonomous with "worry" is another question as well)...regardless I feel like if the Scriptures say this, then why do I get concerned so much about the future? Why do I desire to know so badly...and the Lord really convicted me about this.

My hope is not supposed to be in this life...my hope, is however, rooted in the future. But it is the future eternal hope that I have because of the grace of God alone through Christ Jesus!! My future hope is not to be rooted in my own personal future, but rather in the future glory of Christ through my life, and being united with Him in the end. I am not living for the here and now, I am living for the future hope that I have in Christ!! That being said...another thing that I realized is if I were to know the future events in my personal life and just future details about me life, I think simply having that knowledge would change that outcome so that it would not come to be in my life. Having a simple glimpse into the future would add an additional factor that I wouldn't have known previously, therefore I might not end up in that same place...it could alter that. I mean, these hypotheticals are all completely impossible anyway, but it helped me to realize that in the end...I really don't want to know the future. Even though there are moments where I wish I could see how different relationships and jobs and things will all pan out in the end...I know that in reality I don't want to know those things.

I also thought about if I were to know these things, then I would stop living my life presently...Now to clarify, I live for the hope I have in the future that is outside of this life...BUT I live out that hope in the midst of my present circumstances. I feel like if I knew the future of my own life, it would be very easy to forget to live now, in the present, and I would only be anticipating (or possibly dreading) the future events in store for me in my life.

I guess what it really comes down to is simply trusting in the Lord (which I guess is what all of this entire life comes down to, so that's not a disappointing realization to be brought back to once again!). There are some situations in my life right now that I am really uncertain about, and there are others that I am really excited about...but I know that in the midst of all of them, regardless of the outcome, if I am striving to love the Lord first and foremost in my life...I have nothing to be concerned about at all and all worry will disappear because I will trust Him with the outcome. Because, I quote this all the time, but that's because I need to remember it all the time, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that whatever happens, God is in control and although the future is unknown to me...God is omniscient and transcendent over my (relatively insignificant but seemingly and personally very significant) situation. He knows the future, and since I do not, and cannot know the future...I need to simply stop trying to understand and recognize that He is God and is in absolute control over it all...just lay it all down before Him.

I've been thinking a lot about my past, and I constantly think about how things used to be...my question is, does my memory of the past actually correspond to what actually happened in the past? I think to some degree, my memory is reliable, but I don't think for a minute that I can trust my memory to be 100% accurate in everything that I seem to recall. This is especially true of my spirituality. For some reason, I seem to remember being more contemplative in the past; I'd spend much of my time deep in thought and reflection about my life...I remember myself spending my time at work praying for my co-workers as I'd see them work next to me, or as I'd see them drive by on a fork-lift. I remember truly believing that the Lord was at work in my life. I certainly still struggled with my self-centeredness, but the Lord was gracious in giving me strength to overcome that in many situations. In fact, I remember when I used to actually care about other people...sometimes I wonder if the only reason I care about people now is if I am benefiting from the situation. It's disgusting, I know...but it's something I wonder about.

I guess my question becomes, is my past memory of myself true? And if it is true, then why do I not still strive to live my life intentionally? I used to (if memory serves correctly) intentionally strive to grow in the Lord daily, and the fruit that I reaped in my life was incredible. I was intentional about praying for those people in my life that I cared about, I had a list that grew longer everyday of people that I was praying for. I'm not saying this to speak of how great of a Christian I was (besides, what good is it to boast in my past accomplishments...not only that, but it was truly and completely by the grace of God that I was growing like that). I truly believe that I grew so much during those times, and it was in those times that I felt the conviction to go into full-time Christian ministry. I wanted other Christians to be able to experience the abundant life that Christ has offered to us; as I felt that I was beginning to experience and taste that sort of life.

Now that's how I remember it when I think back about those times, and some of that stuff is true and can be confirmed by old journal entries (back when I used to actually journal...a discipline that I really need to pick-up again). However, even in those times of great growth, I still was never complacent with my growth. Somehow, through a huge change in environment (which isn't to blame, my relationship with the Lord must be primary in any environment which I find myself, so there is NO excuse for my sinful neglect of my relationship with God)...I lost my passion. It didn't happen overnight, thought. It was a long process, but now I'm at the point where I find myself now.

I graduated from college, and didn't actively seek any ministry positions (because I hadn't been, and haven't been even now, actively seeking the Lord, so I didn't know what direction to go) All of my job opportunities came from people approaching me, once again, revealing my lack of intentionality in pursuing much of anything. I came home and literally played the drums, worked out, did a few household chores, and layed on the couch everyday for a few weeks. That's so disgusting to me that this was my existence...and now, it's very similar to that, except that I spend much of my time at church doing work for my pastor and planning the worship services and stuff.

This job in Nashville is an exciting opportunity, but even in this, I didn't take the initiative. It wasn't until my dad prodded me that I finally got off my butt and searched if there were any opportunities for drumming. I've been predominately excited about this opportunity since then, but still, I'm a little apprehensive. Especially after talking with one of my other pastors today, who sort of challenged me on the passive nature of my job hunt coming out of moody. I told him that I was too immature at this time to hold a pastoral position of some kind, and he used Scripture to basically shoot down that argument. He sort of mentioned it in passing that I was masquerading as a pastor (just joking with me because I was sitting at my other pastor's desk) and I said, "Hey, that's where I'm gifted, so maybe in a sense, I am a pastor." And he came back and said, "well, if you are in fact gifted and called in that area, then you better go get training, because you need to obey the Lord's calling on your life."

That certainly planted some doubts in my mind about my decision to go to Nashville and pursue this music ministry. So, at the end of the day, I went to his office to speak with him about it a bit. I'm sure we'll continue the conversation tomorrow because it was interrupted with a phone call, but I basically told him that I believe God is calling me to that ministry eventually, but at this time He might be leading me to this music ministry. He started to respond to that, and then the call came...

But I don't know if I believe my own response...the problem is that I haven't been seeking the Lord in my life to know where He might be leading me. I mean, I've prayed for guidance, but the Lord judges the heart, and He knows my heart hasn't been in it recently. I mean, deep down, I know that I desire to be transformed again, but I lack the discipline. That's no excuse, it's a statement of fact, but I won't gain the discipline my sitting here, writing a blog on my xanga...I need to recognize the severity of my decisions and remember how desperately I need the Lord to truly be Lord over my life. I really do think this music ministry could be a great opportunity, and may very well be where the Lord is leading me for the next season of my life (how long that might be, I'm not sure)...but I know that I need to start seeking His face again, or I will waste my days away just going with the flow and never intentionally pursuing or seeking anything in this life.

Often times, people ask me about my dating life, and I typically respond with something like, "eh, I'm not pursuing anybody at the moment, but I know that at the right time, God will bring the right girl along and I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But I know that for now, I'm too immature to be dating anyone." That's my typical response, and I do believe completely in sovereignty of the Lord, and His plans will prevail, but He also does work with and through our decisions...and if I never decide to seek Him and His kingdom and righteousness first, then there is no way that the Lord will sanctify me. He doesn't force sanctification or twist my arm to get obedience. He calls me to obey, stating that those who love Him obey what He commands. I've got so much growing to do, and it's not going to happen sitting here typing this blog, I'm going to go spend some time talking with the only One who can soften and change a calloused heart like mine. He alone can bring fulfillment and give me the strength to be willing to lose my life for His sake and for the sake of the Gospel (Mark 8:35).

I don't want to overspiritualize things (as I've been accused of in the past) but honestly, I don't believe that is possible. Even the most minute and seemingly insignificant decisions have significant ramifications, and they are indicative of where my heart is. If I'm seeking the Lord in my life, then in absolutely everything, I will desire to honor and glorify Him in the decisions I make...which will cause me to seek Him all the more for the wisdom and guidance to know what His will is.